The Two Davids

In a wonderful Tour de Farce, Nicholas Confessore goes over the latest scandal regarding Gov. Paterson and the case of the gratis sports tickets in this morning’s New York Times. At first, I thought, like Casey Stengel: can’t anybody play this here game? Then I realized the problem is that everybody knows how to play this game all too well.

There is a Broadway comedy that can come out of all this, but we’ll have to wait until the whole story unravels. In the meantime, here is a suggestion for Act I of the play.

The cast of characters:
David Paterson: governor, state of New York, the accidental sports fan
David W. Johnson: aide to Gov. Paterson, a passive/aggressive testifier/ticket procurer
Michael G. Cherkasky: chairman of the Commission on Public Integrity, “Cherk”
Cato: Cherk's assistant; a wholly-fictional character made up for the purposes of this farce
Oscar Michelen: Johnson’s curiously incurious attorney
Jeffrey Pearlman: Gov. Paterson’s attorney, the incomplete messenger
Theodore V. Wells, Jr.: another Paterson attorney, the disturbed one
Nicholas Confessore: a New York Times reporter who gets caught up in the process
A large breasted waitress: another wholly-fictional, but visually interesting, character

Act I:

The Commission on Public Integrity (CPI) is trying to learn about the sports tickets Gov. David Paterson received gratis last fall. With Inspector Clouseau-like vigor, CPI Chairman Michael G. Cherkasky (Cherk) issues a subpoena for David W. Johnson, Paterson’s aide. Cherk gives the subpoena to his bumbling assistant Cato to deliver. Cato gets the two Davids mixed up and gives the subpoena for Johnson to Paterson’s attorney Jeffrey Pearlman.

Pearlman, realizing Cato’s mistake, gives the blank, unopened envelope to attorney Oscar Michelen, Johnson’s lawyer, during a lunch meeting. Pearlman tells Michelen the envelope is from Cherk, but Pearlman and Michelen are distracted by the large breasts of the waitress who has come to take their order, and before Pearlman can inform Michelen the envelope contains a subpoena.

Michelen is also distracted by the worry about how his client, who has just been suspended without pay, can afford his services, stuffs the envelope in his pocket, saying he will read it later.

When Michelen gets home his wife sends the suit to the cleaners, but not before, as usual, she goes through the pockets. She discovers a phone number (of the lunch waitress) and becomes so enraged, she neglects to search the rest of the pockets. The subpoena goes with the suit to the cleaners.

After making sure with Cato (who is beginning to realize his mistake, but does not want to get in trouble) that the subpoena was properly delivered, Cherk and the CPI issue a finding that David Paterson accepted the tickets and lied under oath about paying for them.


Then, Cherk gets a letter in a blank envelope from Theodore V. Wells, Jr., another Paterson attorney, complaining about the CPI's finding. Wells also noted in his letter that David Johnson never testified, which shows, Wells charges, that the CPI rushed its findings for political reasons. Cherk writes a reply, puts it in blank envelope in his out box. Rushing out to lunch (he is excited to see the new waitress with large breasts everyone is talking about) he calls Cato to pickup and deliver the letter. Cato comes in and takes the wrong letter: Wells’ letter.

Meanwhile, a reporter for the New York Times, Nicholas Confessore, is checking out the story. Confessore calls Wells’ office about the letter he heard Wells had sent. Wells, finding his original letter (the one Cato mistakenly delivered back to Wells) thinks he never sent it and tells the firm’s spokeswoman to deny any knowledge of such a letter. Next, Confessore calls Cherk, who can no longer find Wells’ letter, due to Cato’s mistake. He covers by telling Confessore the letter is confidential. Confessore calls Gov. Paterson’s office and Paterson’s spokeswoman, who knows nothing about anything, refers Confessore to Wells. The circle is complete.

Confessore is next seen interviewing the new CPI spokeswoman, the large breasted former waitress, at lunch. She tells Confessore that Cherk and Michelen are in discussion about David Johnson’s appearance before the Commission.

End Act I

The problem with producing this farce is that the audience will have to be asked to sit in its seats for four months, and that is just for Act I.